Chapters 59 & 60

Chapter 59: A Lesson in Healing

 

The Spencer Home.

After tossing restlessly in bed for the umpteenth time, Lucky gives up hope of sleep and rises carefully so as not to wake Emily.

Lucky takes his vigil at the window, staring out at the full moon lost in haunting thoughts. The silver light coming from the window casts shadows on his face which mirror his dark mood. A sleep tousled and barefoot Emily dressed in Lucky's pajama top, pads up behind him to wrap her arms around his waist. "Worrying about Staci and couldn't sleep, hmmm?"

"No... yes." Lucky sighs. "Not exactly. I'm actually thinking about Richard."

Emily squeezes him tightly. "Oh boy."

"I can't help but wonder where he is, you know?" Lucky covers her hands with his on his stomach. "Is he warm? Is he fed? Is he loved?" Feeling the despair rise in his throat, he swallows hard .

"Oh Lucky." Emily lays her head on Lucky's back. "The wondering is tearing you up."

"You know what I think most about, though?" Lucky's voice cracks. "Oh hell, I shouldn't be telling you this. Why am I telling you any of this?"

"NO.. you should! You need to tell someone." She squeezes him more tightly to emphasize her point. "You know you can tell me anything."

Lucky blows out his breath forcefully as he wrestles with the temptation to tell her. What would she think of him? Would she be as disgusted with him as he is? "It's not that I don't trust you, Em. It's... it's just that there's nothing that can be done. Why burden you with it?"

Lucky feels Emily shake her head against his back. "I don't buy that, Lucky. Not wanting to burden me is a poor excuse for not telling me."

"Believe me, Emily." Lucky's voice is distant, remote. "You don't need to know and you don't want to know."


FLASHBACK

"Yes, I'm marrying Stefan," Laura confirms gently."But there are--"

Lucky bolts off of the couch like a rocket, causing Laura to flinch with alarm. "OVER MY DEAD BODY!!" He bellows angrily. "What the hell is wrong with you? Did you lose your mind while you were gone?! Is he brainwashing you? Threatening you? If he is, by God I'm going to kill him!"

Laura struggles to make Lucky understand and to calm him at the same time. "No! It's nothing like that! He's not forcing me to marry him; it's my choice! Please, just sit down and let me explain it to you. If you'll give me a chance, maybe you can understand why I'm doing this."

Lucky grows angrier by the second, every muscle taut and ready for physical battle. "Sit down?!! Sit down and listen to this crap spewing from your mouth? You have to be kidding! The only way I'll listen to you is if you tell me it's some practical joke and you have no intention of marrying him! Tell me you're not serious."

Laura fights to stay calm herself in the face of his growing rage, but she's finding it harder and harder. "I.. I can't! Please, please just let me explain!"

"Explain why you're marrying Count Vlad? What possible reasonable explanation could there be? So what did he do to coerce you to marry him, Huh? What? You haven't been sleeping with him, so it's not like he could have gotten you pregnant."

Lucky watches with growing horror as his mother nods her head sadly and says, "I'm sorry, Lucky. I--"

"NO!" Lucky screams at the top of his lungs, her betrayal causing his rage to grow to overwhelming proportions. In one swift motion, Lucky overturns the end table next to the couch, sending the contents, including the table lamp and family pictures crashing to the ground in a million pieces.

"STOP this instant!" Laura screeches back, with a mixture of fear and anger. Reflexively she puts her hands over her head in a defensive posture.

Lucky takes several deep breaths, forcefully restraining the violence of his rage. "YOU lied to me! YOU stood in this living room and slapped me in the face for accusing you of sleeping with him! You're nothing but a hypocritical---"

"I was NOT lying!" Laura retorts hotly. "I know you won't believe me, but I wasn't... with Stefan at that point. It only happened one night ..."

Lucky's sudden presence towering over her causes her to gasp with fright. "You not only betrayed me, you betrayed Dad!" He accuses. "You betrayed this family by sleeping with that bastard. How could you?!" Lucky turns away in disgust. "Don't even bother answering that, just thinking of the answer makes me want to hurl."

Laura pleads with Lucky's unrelenting back. "I didn't do this to hurt you or to hurt your father. Please, that's the last thing I wanted. I love you. You know I loved your father more than life. I would do anything for this not to have happened this way..."

Lucky turns back to look at her cruelly. "Then have an abortion. If you're too weak-willed for that, then keep the damned demon spawn and raise it by yourself. Anything but marry that bastard."

Laura recoils like he just punched her in the gut. She covers her stomach with her hands as if to block the venom from reaching her baby. "How dare you suggest I have an abortion?! You have no right asking that of me. Or calling an innocent baby demon spawn. You've gone too far!"

Lucky pushes on relentlessly. "I have the right as the only person who seems to remember what you meant to Dad and what he supposedly meant to you. You marry the Bat and you cease to be a Spencer."

"You do not decide whether I'm a Spencer or not, Young Man!" Laura shoots back, her eyes blazing, any attempt to calm Lucky gone after his brutal attack. "I am the head of this family. You do not order me around or pass judgment on me! I'm marrying Stefan, and I'm having this baby. I will love this baby as I have loved all my babies, with my whole heart. And there's not a thing you can do about it!"

"Like hell there isn't!" Lucky shouts back. "I will not have my sister grow up being poisoned against her own family by the Cassadines!"

Laura throws her hands up in derision. "Now you're just talking crazy. You know as well as I do no one could poison Lulu against you or your father. I would never let it happen."

"And I'm supposed to believe you? Take your word for it after you betrayed us so easily? After you betrayed yourself?" Lucky shakes his head. "If you marry Cassadine, I won't ever be able to trust you again."


"Lucky? Lucky?!" Emily's concerned tone finally reaches his ears when he feels her cool hands on his face. It's only then he he feels the dampness on his cheeks and realizes he's been crying. God, how could he have said those horrible things, he asks himself for the hundredth time. He bows his head in shame. Emily's voice becomes more alarmed. "Lucky, what is it?"

Lucky looks up to see Emily, her brown eyes wide with worry for him, her hands trying to pull him to her. How he longs to accept the comfort she would give him. But he doesn't deserve it, not for this. Lucky shakes his head and steps away. "I'm sorry, Emily. God, if you knew what I did, you wouldn't be so quick to help. I don't deserve it."

Emily firmly takes his hands in hers despite him holding back. "What is it? What could you have possibly done that's so bad?"

"You don't want to know..." Lucky wipes his tears off with his sleeve. "<b>I</b> don't want you to know. I hate myself enough for it, I don't think I could take it if you hated me too. I need you too much."

Emily is quiet for a long time, and then says finally. "You don't trust me. You don't trust me to be able to handle this."

Lucky feels his heart start to race. She couldn't turn away from him, he couldn't take that. "Emily..."

"It's true." Deeply saddened, Emily touches his cheek lovingly before dropping his hands. "I know you love me, but you don't trust our love to be strong enough to get through this."

Just as Emily starts to turn away, Lucky grabs her hand. "Okay!" He takes a deep breath to rein in his panic. "Okay, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Just.. you've been warned, okay?"

"Please just tell me, Lucky. I want to understand what's tearing you apart." Searching his face, Emily reaches up and brushed a lock of hair out of his eyes. "You've been a wreck since Richard died. Which was normal at first, but it was more than that, I could tell. At times it's seemed like it was your responsibility to save him somehow... I didn't ask about it because I knew you needed to work it out yourself. I hoped you would. But you haven't, have you? You've just buried it."

Lucky lets out the breath he's been holding. She had noticed. All these months, he thought he'd hidden it so well, and she'd noticed. "It <b>is</b> my responsibility. It's like.... " Lucky shakes his head because the thoughts in his brain aren't making sense. Somehow, in his heart, the logic was flawless. But when he tried to say it out loud, it sounded nuts. "It's my fault. It's my fault that Richard got kidnapped. I know that sounds crazy but that's how I see it."

Emily takes his hand and drags him to the edge of the bed to sit down next to her. "Explain to me how it's your fault."

Lucky rakes a trembling hand through his hair. "I.... God, how do I say this?" He takes another breath. "I.. I didn't want my mom to have him. In fact, when I found out my mom was going to have a baby, I freaked. Totally. Remember that day I went ballistic and attacked Stefan in the hospital?"

Emily nods. "Of course, how could I forget? That was the day you found out your mom was pregnant. You were furious, which made perfect sense, then and now."

"Emily... " Lucky's voice chokes up with the shame he's felt for months, and tears burn in the back of his eyes. "It was worse than that. I.. I told my mom to get rid of the baby. I told her it was the spawn of a demon and to have an abortion! I was so furious. I was completely hateful...." The self-hatred fills him so completely it chokes him. "Richard... he's gone, he's dead or God-knows-where and it's my fault. If I hadn't said those things, he'd still be here."

The despair in Lucky's voice is so heart wrenching, Emily feels it in the pit of her stomach. If only she could carry this for him, she would in a heartbeat. His silent weeping brings her to tears, causing her to kneel at his feet. She reaches out her slender hand to stroke his hair. "Lucky... Sweetheart... I'm so sorry... It's not fair. It's not. Richard should be here with your family."

Lucky looks into her eyes, his face bathed in tears. Not only didn't she hate him, she understood. "So you see why it's my fault?" He takes one of her hands and squeezes it against his heart tightly. "I should have loved him the moment I found out my mom was pregnant. None of it was his fault. I should be the one who was taken from my family and he should be here with them, being loved and cared for. I should be the one punished for my selfishness! Not Richard, not my family."

"No!" Emily, now sobbing openly, protests. "NO! You're wrong, Lucky. You're wrong! The people who took Richard, they are the ones at fault, not you. Never you." When Lucky shakes his head furiously, she becomes more adamant. "It's <b> true</b>! Sure you were mad your mom was pregnant, and yes you said some horrible things to her. But you didn't hire the kidnappers to take Richard. If every time we had to answer for a mean wish or thought, we'd all be in purgatory! You know that, Lucky. I know you do. You did not cause Richard to be kidnapped. You didn't."

"I just wanted to get a chance to make it up to him, you know?" Defeat etches his features. "I thought I'd have time to show him what a good big brother I could be, that who his father is didn't matter to me. I loved him, Emily. I only spent a few minutes with him before he was gone, but I loved him anyway."

Wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her head on his lap, Emily lets him weep in silence. Words would not fix this. Only time and understanding would heal.

 

Chapter 60: Crisis Proportions

Kelly's Diner

Ragged from the fast paced breakfast rush, Carly whizzes by Lucky who is seated at the lunch counter. A moment later she reappears from the kitchen with a tray of freshly baked pastries. With her back to Lucky, she proceeds to stack them on a serving plate with crisp efficiency.

Lucky taps the lunch counter to get Carly's attention. "Hey, what's a man gotta do to get some coffee around here?"

At the sound of his voice. Carly whirls around. "Lucky!" Her face lights up with a 1000 watt smile as she finds her way around the counter to give him a warm embrace. "I haven't seen you smile like that in a while! I take it all is well at the Castle of Doom?"

Lucky chuckles as he returns the hug. "You sound more like a Spencer every day, Carly. I'm sorry I've been out of touch."

Carly pats his arm playfully. "It couldn't be helped with all the stuff that's been happening lately. Can you stick around until after the rush? I want to catch up."

Lucky gives her a wink. "I think I can spare the time, if I can hit you for some coffee and one of those apple turnovers."


...................


Alexis paces the floor of Stefan's study at Wyndemere, her voice harsh and authoritative as she speaks on the phone. "I don't care what orders Stefan gave you, it is imperative that I speak with him immediately about an urgent family matter. Find him and put him on the phone."

"I'm sorry Madam," The man on the other end of the line answers. His words are stilted and thick with a foreign accent. "I cannot help you--"

Alexis loses the last of her patience. "Do NOT stonewall me, George, or you'll find yourself out of a job. Not only will you have to deal with me, but with Stefan when he hears about this. He is considerably less forgiving than I am."

"No no!" The man pleads. "You don't understand, Ms Davis. Mr Cassadine is not here at all, nor is he scheduled to visit us."

"What do you mean, he's not there?" Alexis stops dead in her tracks. "He said he was needed there to head off some crisis."

"No, Madam," George answers urgently. "No crisis here. Everything has been running smoothly."

"There must be some kind of mistake...." Alexis bites her lip anxiously. Quickly she changes direction. Knowing the best way to handle this employee is from a position of strength, she says, "George, you better be telling the truth or you'll lose more than your job. I'll double check my other sources and get back to you."

Alexis turns off the phone and looks at the ceiling in exasperation. "Damn it, Stefan. Where are you?"

"What do you mean, Alexis?" Nikolas asks, having entered the study without her noticing. "Are you saying you can't find Uncle?"

....................


Carly plops into the chair across from Lucky. "Man, I really need to get more reliable help. Ever since Emily gave her notice, I've been hammered every weekend."

"You seem a bit short handed," Lucky replies. "I gather your waitress didn't show?"

Carly nods grimly. "Any chance Emily would come back if gave her a huge raise?"

"You'd have to ask her. Her classes are keeping her pretty busy though." Lucky takes a sip from his coffee cup. "Gina had her baby, a little girl named Staci."

"Oh, that's great!" Carly enthuses. "Tell her congratulations for me. I figured she must have had her baby if you're sitting around having coffee with me. How's Laura?"

"Better," Lucky answers."Much better. She seems to gradually getting back to her old self. Staci's birth seems to have given her purpose. She's a grandmother now, and she's thrown herself into it full tilt."

"And you?" Carly inquires. "How about you?"

Lucky shrugs. "What about me? I'm fine, as always."

Carly rolls her eyes. "Oh please, tell that to someone who doesn't know you better. You didn't think I noticed that you've been walking around like you had a noose around your neck the last few months? It can't be easy visiting that Rock on a daily basis. Come on, this is your Cousin Carly you're talking to."

Lucky scowls. "What do you want me to say? That I like visiting Spook Island? No way. But what am I supposed to do? My mom and Lulu need me, I can't let them down just because I don't like the setting."

"It seems like more than that to me," Carly replies. "It's like you're going to Wyndemere as some kind of punishment or something."

Lucky eyes her speculatively. "You're nuts, Carly. Where'd you get that from?"

"I'm a Spencer, remember? And I've had guilt rule my life enough to know what it looks like." She leans forward. "You have raised self-torture to an art form you know that? You keep this up much longer, and I'll start wondering if Stefan is mentoring you."

"OUCH!" Lucky grabs his chest as if he's been mortally wounded. "Where did this come from?"

"I'm tired of pussy-footing around. And you look like you might actually listen rather than just biting my head off."

"Remind me not to visit when you've had a rough shift!" Lucky takes a sip of his coffee to buy himself some time. "Okay, I'll admit it. What you're saying has merit. But talking about it isn't going to help, Carly."

"Try me," Carly urges. "Benny is always telling me confession is good for the soul. And if you can't tell a fellow Spencer, who can you tell? Besides, it can't be any worse than anything I've done."

Lucky mulls over her words, remembering his earlier conversation with Emily. The sky hadn't fallen when he told Emily about blaming himself for Richard. She'd been very understanding. But he wasn't any closer to figuring out how to let it go. And he knew he had to get past it somehow. "I guess it's worth a shot, but you have to promise you're not going to tell a soul."

Carly zips her lips. "I'm all ears."

"You remember how insane I was after finding out about my mom being pregnant?" Lucky pauses until Carly nods. "Well, Stefan wasn't the only one I took it out on...."

.......................


"Answer me, Alexis," Nikolas repeats. "Are you saying you don't know where Uncle is?"

Alexis returns to the desk and gathers her files together. "You needn't worry, Nikolas, I'll find him. It's just going to take a little longer than I anticipated. He must have made an unscheduled stop."

"This just doesn't make sense," Nikolas says, shaking his head unhappily. "It's not like him to take off on impulse. Especially when he knew Gina was going to have the baby. Are you sure Uncle was fine when he left?"

"Yes," Alexis answers with more conviction than she feels. "He was fine. He was very adamant that he didn't want you to worry about him while he was gone. I'm certain there is a very reasonable explanation for why he's out of contact."

"I can't think of one good reason, Alexis. Will you call me the minute you locate him?"

Alexis shoos him out of the office. "Go be with your wife and new baby, Nikolas. I'll get in touch as soon as I know something."

..........................


The Cassadine Compound in Greece.....

Stefan tenderly strokes his sleeping mother's cheek with the back of his hand. "Hello, Mother." He watches as Helena's eyes flutter open and her startled look quickly changes to hatred. "I must apologize for neglecting you so horribly. I have not been the dutiful son you raised me to be."

Helena strains to speak, but Stefan puts a finger over her lips. "You must not overtax yourself, Mother. Save your strength. Allow me to sit at your bedside and make amends for my neglect."

Sitting on her bed, Stefan folds her frail hand in his, the picture of a devoted son. "Have you missed me terribly, Mother?" At Helena's guttural response, Stefan looks contrite. "Of course you have. How could I have forgotten how important my presence is to your wellbeing? It really is unforgivable that I have left you to worry about me. Shall I bring you up to date?"

Stefan waits expectantly for a response from Helena, but this time, she keeps silent as she glares at him with pure hatred. Stefan brings her thin hand to his lips for a loving kiss. "I have missed our talks, Mother. How I've longed for your wise advice! You have always strived to be helpful and supportive. And now to be rendered silent, what a tragedy for us all!"

Enraged, Helena clenches her jaw, and with supreme effort bends her fingers in an attempt to dig her nails into his hand. Stefan notices the feeble gesture. "Ah, Mother. You tire of my game, do you? Very well. Who would blame me for imagining you as the mother I've always wanted? Now that you are silent, you can be the perfect mother. Encouraging, loving, proud... Speaking of proud, I was going to bring you up to date. I have plenty of wonderful news for you."

.....................

After telling Carly the whole story, Lucky sits back in his chair and sighs. "So now you know everything, Carly. Do you still think you hold the record for the most messed up Spencer?"

"Well I'll give you the title of 'most masochistic Spencer', " Carly admits. "But I still beat you hands down as 'most screwed up.' I mean, come on. I slept with my mother's husband. Unless you strike up an affair with Helena Cassadine, you won't even come close!"

"We are a pair, aren't we?" Lucky and Carly share a chuckle, then Lucky gets serious. "Emily says I can't keep punishing myself for what I said to my mom. But I can't see forgiving myself. As far as anyone can tell, Richard's gone forever."

"I never took you for someone who believed in magical thinking, Lucky." When Lucky scowls, Carly squeezes his hand. "Wishing doesn't make things happen. Sure, what you said was pretty rank, but if words made things happen, we'd all be in prison for murder. Fact is, you didn't make Richard disappear. Emily's right. You gotta stop blaming yourself."

"But how can I, when I see what this is doing to my mom?" Lucky stares at his empty coffee cup morosely. "I keep thinking that if I'd been a better son, more supportive and encouraging, looking out for her and the family, maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe I'd have been there to keep Richard from being kidnapped."

"Do you think you're doing your mom and your sister any favors thinking like this?" Carly argues. "You're not. You're human, Lucky. Welcome to the club."

"My dad had drilled it into me, 'no matter what, always watch out for your Mom and Lulu...'" At Lucky's last statement, Carly smacks him along side the head. Lucky yelps. "HEY!! What did you do that for?"

"You are so thick skulled I could scream at you all day and you wouldn't hear a word I said," Carly grouses. "If you want to beat yourself up, go somewhere else. I'm not going to listen to it anymore. The fact is you've been pretty cool about your mom getting pregnant with Cassadine's baby. You didn't kill anyone, you didn't start using drugs. You even came back for the birth and made peace with your mom. Who called me when his mom went into the hospital with false labor? You. Your dad would be damn proud of you. Damn proud. So I'm not going to listen anyone beat you up, least of all you. Got it, Kid?"

Lucky rubs his sore head. "Yeah, I got it. Loud and clear. Geesh. You are a mean cousin, you know that?"

Carly reaches over and messes his hair up, laughing when he flinches. "Yeah, that's why you love me. Listen. I know I'm not someone people usually go to for advice. But I'm going to give you some anyway. Go talk to your mom about this. You seem to think that you've wronged her. So make it right. Come clean with her. And if you're feeling particularly masochistic, you could even apologize to Stefan."

Lucky groans. "Oh Man. You are cruel. Darn right cruel."


.........................