Chapters 33 & 34

Chapter 33: Heartbreak City

Their picnic lunch finished, Emily and Lucky lie side by side on the blanket staring at the sky. After a long silence, Emily turns onto her side to look at Lucky. "You don't have to act all cheerful for me. I know that run-in with Stefan must be still bugging you."

Lucky shakes his head in an attempt to brush off the topic. "I don't want to talk about him, I'd much rather talk about us." He rolls onto his side to face her. His eyes rove her face, noting every detail. "You're so beautiful like this..." He touches her hair. "all relaxed, you hair down, looking at me. Do you know it's times like this I missed the most while I was gone?"

Emily takes his outstretched hand and squeezes it. "I don't want you to think I don't appreciate your compliments. I do. It's just that I know you well enough to know you're avoiding what's really bugging you. Just because we lost some ground while we were gone, doesn't mean you can't confide in me. You need to talk it out or it'll eat at you."

Lucky sighs and rolls onto his back again to stare at the sky. "I just want to enjoy the time we have right now. I can handle this stuff with my mom and Stefan. I don't want to dump it on you, it's not fair."

"If I thought you had someone to talk to about this, I'd let it go. But you can't talk to your mom, or to Nikolas, or to Mike. And I know Carly wants to be there for you, but I have a feeling you won't talk to her about it either. That leaves me." Emily reaches over and strokes his hair. "Talk to me."

Lucky closes his eyes as the feelings inside him well up. "What happened between me and Stefan is nothing new. It's not like he said anything in particular to piss me off. In fact, he was relatively reasonable, for a Cassadine anyway. The thing is, he doesn't have to do anything special to get my goat. He just has to mention my mom and my sister...." He swallows the lump in his throat. "You know what hit me the hardest? When he called my mom his wife. It felt like a sucker punch, you know? I just wanted to slam my fist into his face so bad..."

"But you didn't," Emily observes quietly.

"No, I mean, what's the use? It wouldn't change anything. He didn't force my mom into marrying him. She did it all by herself." Lucky shakes his head miserably. "I want to hate her for that. I do hate her...for turning her back on my dad, on me. Doesn't she get how the whole idea of her being married to Stefan makes me sick to my stomach? Is she so blind she can't see that? Or maybe she does and she just doesn't give a damn."

Emily wipes a stray tear from her face. "I'm so sorry she hurt you like this, Lucky. I wish there was something I could do to make it better."

"You just being here and listening helps, believe me." Lucky lays in silence for a while, then starts again. "When I saw my mom on the docks when I got back, I was so happy to see her. And so relieved to see with my own eyes that she was okay. For a minute I was able to forget that she married HIM. I let her hug me, heck I even hugged her back. I can't tell you how good that felt. But now..." His voice trails off as his ability to express himself fails.

"Now it's different, isn't it?" Emily says wisely. "It's not so easy to ignore how hurt you are."

"I'm telling you, Em. I'm so angry at her, I want to hurt her back... the worst way possible. She's ruined my life. Because of what she did, I had to leave Port Charles and you. And now you don't trust me and I can't blame you. And I have no family base now. I'm alone. Yeah, I have Carly and Aunt Bobbie, and Lulu will always love me, but I don't have a home anymore." Lucky swears in frustration. "Man, I am so selfish. I have lots of people who love me, I have plenty of money, I own half of the coolest club on the Eastern seaboard, what do I have to complain about? I must sound like some whiny teenager."

"Stop it!" Emily cries, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look at her. "Don't pretend what happened to you is no big deal. You lost something huge. Your family was everything to you, and now that's gone. And what's worse, you have to watch your mom be married to a man you hate."

"And my sister is going to be raised by him. Lulu won't be a Spencer, she'll end up being a Cassadine." Lucky squeezes his eyes shut to keep the tears from flowing. "God, I hate her. She was all I had left, I counted on her to help me keep the family together and she went and slept with that snake and got pregnant. You know what? I think she loves him too. It's the only thing that makes sense... She slept with him and married him because she loves him." A painful silence falls between them... Emily, feeling helpless to comfort him, and Lucky lost in his misery. Finally he looks at her and gives her a rueful smile. "Sorry you asked me to talk?"

Emily shakes her head adamantly. "Not at all. I just wish there was a way I could help you get past this."

Lucky wraps an arm around her waist and rolls her against him. "You are helping, just by listening and being with me. And as much as I may be tempted to leave town to keep from dealing with this crap, I know the only way to get over it is to stay here and face it straight on." He kiss her forehead chastely. "And there's no way I'm going anywhere without you."

Emily searches his face carefully. "You mean that, don't you? You won't leave me again?"

Lucky answers her question with a long slow thorough kiss. "I love you, Em. You're stuck with me."

At the Cassadine retreat, Alexis drags herself off the couch with her half full brandy glass in hand. "Might as well attempt to feel human. Maybe a bath would do some good." She shuffles to the bathroom and winces when she turns on the light. "Damn! Why didn't Stefan have dimmers installed in the bathrooms? This is just TOO bright."

Putting her brandy glass on the edge of the jacuzzi tub, Alexis proceeds to start the water and add some bubble bath. Steam rises from the tub as she removes her robe and pjs and slips into the tub up to her neck. "Hmmmm, I wish I didn't ever have to wake up..." She reaches blindly for her brandy, accidentally knocking the glass onto the tile floor and breaking it into several large pieces. Rousing with a start, her eyes fix longingly on the razor-sharp pieces for several long moments, thinking to herself, 'It would be so easy...'

Alexis recoils from the glass with a small cry of fear. "What were you thinking?!" In a surprising burst of energy she climbs out of the tub, careful to avoid the glass, grabs for her robe, and runs for the door in a panic. Once safely out in the hall, she slams the door shut behind her.

Stefan and Lulu sit on the game room sofa reading a book. Lulu's attention is rapt on Stefan who is reciting a Grimm's fairy tale. "'Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let down your hair.' Rapunzel had magnificent long hair, fine as spun gold, and when she heard the voice of the enchantress she unfastened her braided tresses, wound them round one of the hooks of the window above, and then the hair fell twenty ells down, and the enchantress climbed up by it. "

Lulu sighs wistfully. "I wish I had long blonde hair like Rapunzel. Then I'd be pretty like Mommy."

Taking off his spectacles, Stefan sets the book aside and pulls Lulu into his lap. "You, my angel, are perfect the way you are. I wouldn't want any part of you to be different. From your gorgeous dark brown hair to your big brown eyes. You know what melted my heart when I first met you? You were too young to remember."

"What?"

"Your smile. It was so bright, so trusting." Stefan wraps his arms around Lulu and hugs her tightly. "Nothing will change how I feel about you. You will always be my angel."

"Even if you and Mommy have a little girl?" Lulu asks hesitantly."What if she has pretty blonde hair like Mommy?"

"You will still be perfect and I will love you just as I do now. Most likely more so."

Laura appears in the doorway, slightly out of breath due to her advanced pregnancy. She gives them both a warm smile. "Hi, you two. Ready for dinner? Mrs Lansbury cooked your favorite, Lulu."

Lulu looks at Stefan expectantly, who nods. "We can finish our story after dinner."

Late evening at the Cassadine Retreat. Using the burst of energy after the incident in the bathroom, Alexis had cleaned up the retreat, took a shower and changed. Now exhausted, she lies dozing on the couch as a spring rain storm rages outside. She feels a tap on her shoulder and opens her eyes. What she sees stuns her so much, she's practically speechless. "Sonny?!"

Sitting next to her on the couch is Sonny, smiling at her gently."Hey, Baby. It's been a long time."

Alexis bolts upright. "But you're dead! How... You can't be here!"

"Yeah, I'm dead. But seems like you need me pretty bad about now." He gives her a crooked grin. "And no, you haven't lost your mind."

Alexis moves away from him a bit. "I... I don't believe in ghosts... So what are you? Who are you?"

Sonny sighs. "Sweetheart, I'm whatever you need me to be. Stop questioning so much and have a little faith. You needed to talk to me again, so here I am. Don't waste it, you may not get another chance."

"How did you..." Alexis stops herself when she sees Sonny impatiently roll his eyes. "Right, stop questioning... It's just that the last few days all I've thought about is you. Missing you, wishing you were still alive. Reliving every moment we had together. I guess you've become more real than anything else in my life..."

"Exactly, I think you're finally getting the point." Sonny takes her hand and squeezes it. "And as much as I love you for all your devotion, it ain't healthy."

"I know. I don't think I knew how much until I scared myself in the bathroom earlier." Alexis gulps and wipes away a tear. "For a minute, I wanted to die so much, just so I could be with you again. I feel so empty, so alone." She shakes her head to push away the dark thoughts again. "But I couldn't do it, Stone needs me and I love him so very much."

Sonny kisses the knuckles of her hand lovingly. "I bet he's as beautiful as you are."

"Actually he looks more like you," Alexis answers with a sad smile. "Handsome, dark hair, dark eyes, and so intensely serious. Having him makes me feel close to you, like you're with me all the time."

"I am," Sonny says simply. "Not just in our son, Stone, but in your heart. I will always be with you."

Alexis looks into her lap unhappily. "I... I've been with someone else. I feel so unfaithful and disgusting, I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror."

Sonny lifts her chin and forces her to look him in the eye. Instead of seeing hurt and recrimination, Alexis sees understanding. "Alexis, Baby, I've been dead over a year. Being with another man isn't unfaithful." At her doubtful look, he laughs. "Okay, I admit it, I want to kill the guy, and the idea you could be happy with someone else drives me crazy. But, you know what else? I want you to live. And I know you can't continue living like you are now. What happened in the bathroom is proof of that. So we have to let each other go."

Alexis shakes her head furiously and holds onto his hand more tightly. "No! I can't let you go. I can't, I would rather die first."

Sonny forces her to look at her again, to see the intensity of his feelings. "You HAVE to stop focusing on my death and start thinking of your life. Hearing you wanting to die hurts me more than the bullets that killed me. I know what you're going through, I wanted to die after Lily and our unborn child were killed. But I slowly learned that life goes on, and then God gave me the greatest gift, you and Stone. Our son needs you. He needs you alive and whole and happy. He needs someone to show him what love is." He pauses for a moment before continuing. "And the fact is I don't want your death on my head too."

"Don't think like that. How I feel isn't your fault, Sonny."

"But don't you see? You're thinking of dying because of how you feel about me. There's already too much blood on my hands... Lily, the child she carried when she died. If you die too..." Sonny's voice becomes hoarse, his lower lip quivering. "I need you to live, to be happy, to watch over Stone and make sure he grows into the great man I know he can be. And I need to know that I did some good while I was alive... by bringing you happiness and by fathering a child that's happy and healthy. Live for yourself, live for me."

Alexis reaches out and touches his cheek tenderly, tears streaming down her face. "I love you, you know that. I'll do anything for you."

"Then promise me this," Sonny presses urgently. "Promise me you'll let me go, you'll move on with your life and be happy. Open yourself to love again. Promise me."

"It...it's so hard imagining loving someone again... but I'll try. For you and for Stone, I'll try." Alexis gulps painfully."I.. I promise."

Relieved, Sonny closes his eyes. "Thank you, Baby."

"You know how I always hated you calling me that?" Alexis laughs through her tears. "Now.. now I love it. Because it's you."

Sonny smiles and reaches over to brush her lips with his. "You'll always be my baby, Alexis. Always. Goodbye, I love you."

The sound of pounding breaks Alexis out of her dream. It takes her a moment to orient herself. She isn't at the farmhouse or the penthouse... she's at the Cassadine retreat, and there's no Sonny. Had it all only been a dream?

The pounding on the door continues, now increasing in volume. Alexis wipes the tears away from her face that had fallen during her dream and gets up off the couch and ambles in slow motion to the door. When she peeks through the small window, she sees a drenched Justus standing on the doorstep. "What the---?" She swings the door open. "Justus! What are you doing here?"

Chapter 34: Doing The Impossible

At the Cassadine retreat, Alexis swings the door open to find Justus standing in the pouring rain. "Justus! What are you doing here?"

Justus, totally soaked to the bone by the rain, gives her a bemused grin. "Would you believe I was just stopping by to say hello?" He notices immediately that her face is puffy from crying, and he's pretty sure by the sadness in her eyes that if he isn't careful, she might dissolve in a puddle of tears. Jason has good reason to be concerned.

Alexis smiles weakly. "No, not really. But come in. The way the rain is blowing in, I'll be drenched myself in a minute."

Justus steps inside and stands on the mat, trying not to soak the wood floor. He keeps the conversation light to put her at ease. "Thanks, I didn't think you'd believe my cover story. Actually to be completely truthful, I stopped by your penthouse today to drop off some papers and you weren't there..." His words are cut off when he sneezes. "Excuse me."

"Where are my manners?! Come, you need to get into something dry." Alexis ushers him to the large bathroom. "There's a closet on the right that has guest robes. Feel free to take one. I don't think you'd fit into any of Stefan's clothes, or I'd offer you some. He keeps a small stash here for unplanned visits. Oh, and there are extra towels inside the far left cabinet."

"Thank you, you've been more than generous considering how I'm imposing on your privacy. Not to mention making a mess of the place." Justus shakes his head with amusement and enters the bathroom. "Real smooth, Justus Ward, real smooth."

"Would you like some hot cocoa or tea?" Alexis offers through the door, then a smile crosses her face as she adds, "Or maybe you'd prefer a stiff drink?"

Justus can be heard clattering around in the bathroom. "I'd go for some cocoa with a little fortification in it."

"Coming right up."

A few minutes later, a dry Justus finds his way to the kitchen where Alexis is putting a pan of milk on the stove. She glances up when he walks into the room and does a double take when she catches sight of him in a white robe which doesn't quite cover his broad chest. Justus catches her staring and smirks. "Like what you see?"

"Uh.. I don't think I've ever seen you in anything but a business suit..." Alexis stammers, returning her gaze to preparing the cocoa. Justus finds her discomfort very endearing. He isn't the only one who looks different tonight. Her hair is loose and unstyled and she's clad in jeans and an oversized sweater. While the change of style in and of itself is enough to draw his notice, it's her manner with him that is most startling. Gone is the sarcastic, witty, competent, very professional facade designed to keep him at a distance. In it's place, he sees a quiet, vulnerable and somewhat shy woman. And if he's honest with himself, he's completely entranced. That's not easy for someone who's as cynical as he's become.

Justus coughs, deciding to divert his dangerous train of thought. "As to the reason I arrived on your doorstep on a dark and stormy evening..." He flashes her an engaging grin. "When I stopped by your penthouse this afternoon, I also visited Jason. He expressed concern that you hadn't called last night or today. So I offered to drop by, in lieu of an employee."

Alexis closes her eyes to hide her shame. "Jason and Stone, of course. I don't know what's wrong with me. Jason has to be worried sick. Can you take over the cocoa while I make the call now?"

Justus shoos her out of the kitchen and takes vigil over the milk. "Absolutely. By the time you're done with your call the cocoa should be done."

Nighttime at Wyndemere. Laura and Stefan have just gone to bed and are lying spoon style in bed with Stefan's chest against Laura's back. His hand rest comfortably on her large protruding stomach. "Our child should be here any day now," Stefan whispers in her ear. "While I am normally quite adept at waiting, I confess that waiting for our child to be born is making me insane."

Laura smiles. "Well, you aren't alone."

"LesleyLu asked this evening whether we would still love her after the baby is born. I did my best to reassure her, but It's obvious the waiting is getting to her as well."

Laura lifts one of his hands to her lips to kiss. "You are so good with her, Stefan. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see how you care for her. She needs that, especially with all the transitions she's had to weather in the last year." She sighs. "I just wish the hostilities between you and Lucky could be resolved, at least for her sake."

Stefan props himself up on his elbow. "I spoke with Lucky today on that very issue. It is one of my greatest wishes for our families to be at peace. For you and for LesleyLu."

"You did that for us?" Laura replies gratefully, rolling on to her back to look up at him. "I know that couldn't be easy for you, considering how much trouble there's been between you two."

"The decision was actually quite easy. Nothing is more important to me than your happiness and raising our family in peace. It is accomplishing and maintaining the peace that will not be easy." Stefan shakes his head ruefully. "Lucky's hatred of me is stronger than ever. My marriage to you has only made it more acute. It was only our mutual feelings for you and LesleyLu that brought us to a tentative truce."

Laura caresses his bearded chin, and tugs on it to pull his lips down to hers for a loving kiss.. "Lucky is so much like his father, I'm sure it isn't easy for you. Thank you."

After a short conversation to reassure Jason, Alexis returns to the kitchen to find Justus adding Brandy to one of the cups of cocoa. "Would you like Brandy in yours as well?" he asks.

"Yes, I adore hot cocoa with Brandy and I haven't had it ages. Stefan says it's a waste of good Brandy." Alexis picks up the tray with the cocoas after Justus finishes pouring. She leads him to the living room where a fire is dying in the fireplace.

Justus rubs his hands together expectantly. "Ahhh... finally something I can do for you. Will you allow me to rekindle your fire?"

Alexis chuckles. "As the American saying goes.. 'knock yourself out'. I love fires but I'm terrible at tending them."

Justus fiddles with the fire and adds more wood, somehow managing to look graceful doing it in a robe. Within a few minutes, the fire is burning brightly. Justus stands back and admires it. "Perfection."

He looks over at Alexis who is standing forlornly by the window watching the rain coming down in sheets. Her sad beauty hits him in the gut with surprising force and resonates with his own sadness, his own loneliness. With startling clarity he realizes he doesn't want to be alone, and neither does she. But both are locked in their own private pain they can't share, unless one of them can reach out.

Justus walks behind Alexis and looks out over her shoulder at the rain. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"And completely depress you?" Alexis jokes weakly. "That doesn't sound like fun."

"Perhaps not, but you look like you need it." He places one hand on her shoulder tentatively for comfort. "I've been told I'm a good listener."

Alexis turns her head to look at him, trying to read whether he's sincere in his offer and whether she can trust him. Normally she wouldn't even consider talking to an 'outsider', but tonight isn't normal by any stretch. And he's right, she desperately needs to talk to someone.

Justus senses her indecision and her need for reassurance, and responds by taking her hand and leading her to the couch. He then speaks to her in a soft tone he reserves for his more frightened legal clients. "Let's drink our cocoa while we talk."

"Where do I start?" Alexis replies helplessly as she cradles her cocoa. "I've been handling this on my own for so long I don't even know which end is up."

"I gather this has to do with losing Sonny?" Justus prods gently.

Alexis nods sadly. "You'd think by now I'd at least have my grief under control-- in a manageable compartment of my life so that I could go on with the business of living, of working, of raising my son. And until recently I thought I did.But then I did something that blew me out of the water. I guess I became over-confident."

"Even though I wasn't close to either you or Sonny, it was obvious even from my vantage point that you loved each other deeply," Justus observes quietly. "I would hazard to say you both found the love of your lives in each other. I don't think you get over the love of your life easily, if ever."

"I think you're right. Sonny was certainly the love of my life... I've never felt for anyone what I feel for him, even now that he's gone." Alexis pauses to sip her cocoa. "Anyway, recently I found myself attracted to a man. At first I felt nervous and guilty, but with a little encouragement from friends that it was time to move on, I decided to risk getting involved."

"I gather you now think that was a mistake?" Justus asks.

"A complete disaster. No, that's not completely true. The sex was fine, I enjoyed myself and so did the man I became involved with. The problem came the next morning when I had to face what I'd done."

"You mean the guilt," Justus guesses.

"Exactly. Logically I know Sonny's dead. He's never coming back and that it's perfectly normal, even necessary, for me to move on and have new romantic relationships. But my heart..." Alexis' voice cracks. "My heart is still married to Sonny, is still waiting for us to be together again. And no amount of my head telling my heart that it's over and time to move on seems to make a difference. I still feel guilty... and I'm still waiting to be with him."

"So how do you go on living like that?" Justus goes on to answer his own question. "You can't."

Alexis gets up from the couch and starts to pace the room. "I realize that. That's the bind I'm in. My head knows I need to move on, but my heart won't let me. I'm in a no-win situation. Somehow I need to break the deadlock."

"At the risk of being presumptuous..." Justus pauses for a moment before deciding to say the next words. "Your heart has to let go of Sonny. Maybe not completely, but at least put him in the past. I'm sure Sonny would want you to move on and live again."

Justus' words resonate so closely to the words Sonny told her earlier in her dream, that Alexis stops her pacing and stares at him intensely for several long seconds. Turning away from him, her face crumbles and her eyes fill with tears. "I... I have to live...for Stone.. for Sonny. I promised him I would."

Alexis feels rather than hears Justus come up behind her, enveloping her in his strong masculine arms in a hug from behind. Her hopelessness recedes some, and in it's place she feels a sense of safety. Something she hasn't felt since Sonny died. That safety gives her the freedom to let loose her grief, her helpless rage at losing someone she so deeply loves. She cries deep wrenching sobs as Justus holds her tightly, soothing her with a calm gentle voice.